QZland

I am terrible at blogging. I did do a few on my myspace page ( myspace.com/qzanny) but I just so rarely have the time and energy. Trying to do better.
Much has happened tho.
Am nearing my *42* bday now. How the hell did THAT happen?
Had a year and a half of light with the wonderful new job and world's best boss before the business was reorganized and I was laid off. They did want to keep me but there just was not room :( Spent almost 6 months unemployed and looking for work constantly/The economy is SO bad- it is frightening out there :((
Got screwed by the mental health employers and ended up owing almost $1000 in taxes due to their 'fancy' bookwork- which ALSO reduced my tax refund AND gave me more state taxes to pay. Obviously I do not have it so guess where this years tax refund is going?
There is always more to gripe about but let's move onto the blessings-
-I was able to get unemployment- albeit a very small bit- but some
-I got another job- a GREAT job with a terrific boss and veddy coo coworkers in a fun place that fits into my values and goals
my goal is to get on perm with benefits!
--I lost a good chunk of weight and have hopes of losing more as we get back into the daily walks as the weather brightens and my schedules settles.
--new job includes a yearly all zone bus pass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
--I really enjoy new job :))
-am slowly but surely de-cluttering and organizing- there is hope

Well there is more then that even but am getting over a cold so am tired and not up to typing much. Have been inspired tho so who knows- maybe I can keep get back into it :)

As always- so grateful for the loved ones :}}

QZ

I am supposed to be finishing my homework but as it is making my head feel like there is a vise around it I am taking a break.
Learning good- process of learning = straightjacket.

My last entry here was my 39th bday. While granted I tend to My Space more it is really been more a year of upheaval then desertion.

The big 40 came and went with a grim quiet ripple. I was at my Gmothers and she was seriously ill so age did not matter. My family tried but it was pretty awful. Tasty though- steak and cake :)

I changed careers. After a decade working with the mentally ill I realized that any more would make me mentally ill. Not because of the clients but because of the co-workers/managment. Pettiness finally became to large a problem.

I miss the clients. Sometimes I wake up thinking it is time to go to work but indeed it is time to go to bed. My first Summer of light in a decade. I feel better in many ways then I have for years, but I miss them :(

I am grateful:
for my new daylight local and better paying job
for the worlds best EVER boss
for raising my children and the joy they gave me just by being
for my firends always and ever there for me
for being able to spend so much time with My beloved Gma at the end of her life, and for being able to give just the smallest amount back to her who did so much for all of us- always and completely there for us.


I am melancholy tonight. I blame the homework.

Must get back to it.

QZ

Lo these many years ago when I decided to consciously include gratefulness in a bigger way I thought it would be difficult. What I have discovered is that it was easy. I find that I am a profoundly grateful person and this appreciation for life and love and all the stuff that goes with them is something I always have had. My own Ruby Slippers if you will.
Here I am on a sunny afternoon on 'my day'at least 39- (though I might say I am at least *29* until my nearly 20 year old actually is :B) and I enjoy the view out my window and the computer to gather my thoughts on and the thought of those who I love like and care about sharing them with me via the ultimate physical-yet-not mind meld, the internet.

Things are not always as they should be, you can't always get what you want , life is often not 'fair' and I am one more step towards death. Yet, and yet- I find myself tickled to death (no pun intended- or maybe there is...) that I have made it this far.
It was a deep blow to lose my pictures. I look at them often. So often in fact that I would forget to do the thinning and saving I so badly needed getting lost in the enjoyment of the memories. It will be months before it is not fresh and raw . Nearly 30,000 gone.

I am an artist. I have been my entire life. This has something to do with how I see the world and how much I enjoy it- especially the details and the simple things like colors and 'views' and moments. Having made the choices I did - especially to have two children and then being a single parent being the best parent I could be also meant leaving some other things behind. I yam who I yam as Popeye would say . My strengths and weaknesses have given us a satisfying if monetarily poor life. But I dun good yesiree. I have good kids- happy and healthy and a pleasure to be around. We have a decent home in a nice neighborhood (knock wood) and we are all good people.
This was a struggle. We have lived in less nice places. We have been crowded and cramped and had to do major work on the homes we lived in so that they would be livable. Doing that though ensured we had some of those other frills like yards and neighbors we were friendly with and good less overcrowded schools and time- time not spent climbing the ladder meant a wealth of only love. That we have. What else is there?

However these struggles also meant that my hands were worn out long long before their time. Hands arms fingers elbows. Which meant that my art was essentially gone. It meant I had to redefine who i was and how I saw myself and how I would make my way through the world doing something I could not do. When you have a gift you HAVE it. You HAVE to do it in some way. I did not want to draw or paint or whatever much of the time- but it was a compulsion and the end result while not always satisfying and rarely what I envisioned was a release .

I drifted for awhile and had dark and depressed days. The internet helped some but I had to learn how to participate by making sure I did not further the damage which means moving the keyboard in odd places and having the mouse moving higher and lower etc.
Then digital photography rocked my world. A medium I could afford and an end result I could glory in.
Other lifestyle changes strictly adhered to limits have given me much of my hands back for the kinds of stuff I do now. I can sew if I am careful and paint in small amounts and my medium now usually involves something I can redo if my hands are not cooperating. Photography is still Queen and still what makes me happiest.

So now I find my brain is still collecting- Ooooh- this person has these pics and that person might have some of those. I shall rebuild at least some of the collection and the rest my mind will enjoy when it remembers. More to be grateful for.
It's an odd day. Filled with contradictions and opposites and I will focus of the good because that is who I am - thank goodness :} How lucky am I?

I am grateful for
- reaching today
- my wonderful children who just by being the wonderful people they are have lit my heart and soul
- my pet children who make me laugh
- my friends and family who have helped us to have a better life and loved us
- all the things that fill my mind with beauty

knock wood :B

QZ

I am TRYING to make it different. Not that the same old same old is all that bad- but I don't want the years to slip by in a blur- though granted of fun- but still...
I am making and have made some choices about who I am and how I am going to live my life that are while not new renewed. I am happy with me on the whole, I like who I am and the kind of person I am. I strive to be kind and patient and generous and responsible and for the most part I am successful. I love I am loved- I want to laugh more but I do laugh muchly :) My life is always always hectic and full and its hard to fit in everything- but all too soon it will not be that way as the girls move n in thier lives and I am more alone in mine. This is part of why I fill it now with friends and activities.
I have no time or tolerance for meaness or lack of respect or stupidity- life is too short to waste on them.
So I suupose my resolutions are similar to the usual-
love laugh be good be enough and be happy healthy and try to get to wise :B
Happy New Year!
QZ

In the past it is possible that I may have given the impression that I have relatives in the area and to make sure there is no confusion I *do not*. My grandparents are in the next state and I have some cousins in a nearby town but that is it. If I gave any other impression I do apologize, it was never my intention to mislead anyone into thinking I DO have family beyond my children.Certainly it will not happen again.
QZ

Sorry- catchy tune :B I think my fave part is when they scream dementedly 'freeedom!!!!'
But I digress...

I always wanted people to update their journals more often- i mean how long could it take eh?
Now I find that i never seem to manage the time to do my own updating :P
Well the sinus pain became unbearable so after yet another round of antibiotics I finally went in to see my wonderful dentist. I had reached the point of a probable access and when i called in to make an apt they said they could see me that day.
Oh.
Uh, that's great... just wonderful- thank. you.
AHHHHH!!!
It was though. I was in pretty bad shape. Spending my sleeping time sitting up trying to doze between alternating heat and cold. *sigh*
Soo after reviewing the options we found that the only one I could reasonably afford (with an eye on the kids future needs- one has a chip to fill and co pays for routine stuff) I decided to just have it pulled. Its a back tooth so not that obvious. plus I have a small mouth (shaddup- nobody asked you!) and it's nice to have a little more room. What's REALLY nice is that after started to heal- which was only after I went on yet another round of antibiotics. Having the tooth out apparently gave my body a chance to fight the infection and the antibiotic -knock wood- worked! Yippeee! :)))
Several weeks later the space is still tender but after the months of hell- 'tis nothing :)
Only floss the teeth you want to keep is my mantra :)

On the kid front- Posy is doing fine. She was in track and really loved it. She was very fast and had such a great time. We went to meets and cheered her on and she can't wait to do it again.
CiCi is still doing the school/work thing. She is going to slow some down for the Summer which means she will have some time for friends. Not that she doesn't now- she spends a lot of time with friends and shopping :B I suppose now maybe she will have more time to clean her room- but I rather doubt that will happen :B

I had a wonderful time on mother's day. We all went out to a very nice dinner. **CENSORED** gave me flowers and veggies for my garden. Posy and Cici did some yard work to get the garden ready for the veggies- not quite the usual Yard work athon that I am used to- but beggars can't be choosers.
The weather has been all over the place. Hot then cold- rain rain rain- monsoon and then dry as a bone for days on end. It was over 90 yesterday.In MAY in OREGON. Yet Monday I was cold to and from work in my coat and shawl. Go figure.

CiCi's boyfriendish is done with boot camp and home before heading out to his assignment. Her other friend is down to visit from Alaska so she has been spending a lot of time with them as well. Posy has a some other friends she has been spending time with- nice kids - and she enjoys that. they are all already busy making plans for the summer. I am just trying to make it to the end of school- which is soon- yay!!!
That is the best thing about Summer- no school :) The bad things that there is no school for the screaming kids all around us too :P

Though as we are giving the old swingset to a neighbor and they are moving it to the other side of the area that hopefully- mayybe it will help keep the screamers away from my front door. Maybe.
Lately we have had many rounds of young boys screaming nd playing baseball and basketball and making a LOT of kid noise. I LIKE kids- but I like kids to play quietly in the yard- get noisy at the park- not next to my windows and doors pleeease!
For the most part though- they are pretty nice kids - so it could be- and has been worse.

We had a group yard sale which was while not fun- interesting and we were able to get rid of some stuff. After we had a bbq and we all sat sort of together and chatted and ate. We were all pretty tired by then so it was not as lively as it might have been.

A couple days ago the people that own the field got someone in with a back hoe to clear it ut. Of course I had juuust fallen asleep when they started. AFter an hours I thought- 'Didn't they just mow that field? Hmm- maybe they did not finish part of it. But why is it taking so blanking LONG?"
So I looked out the window and saw the back hoe.
Oh.
So this is not going to end any time soon. Great.
While more then mildly irritating to me it was faaascinating to Pixie who had a great time watching and quivering at the thought of maybe just maybe getting out there and chasing the big blue dog away....

The yard is pretty boring right now actually. The little front barrier garden is the only one looking really nice- many flowers in bloom and different heights- very pretty. The rest of the yard looks partially done- which it is. We have moved the table over to where the tree by the window was and opened up the yard a bit so the kids and the dog have some running room. Now with so much open on the side where the blackberries were removed I may well hang up a laundry line along the side of the house and take advantage of that sun. I am going to have to put down a netting fence along the bottom to keep the neighbor kids out- but there are till some blackberries there so that should help. i dislike more the idea that anyone can just walk up to the house from the side now though. The berries were a very nice fence :B

I have an umbrella cover to put on the umbrella and I want to get a bench or a swing to have in the yard. Now that i have room to move the swingset to out up a hammock of course somebody wants it . Aye well. At least i do not have to remove it.

I have some seeds to plant. id planned on planting them earlier but we ended up rained out. I want to get some boards and make a raised bed- but I don't think that will happen anytime soon :P
I need $ and time and more energy then i have right now. I have suuuch a huge to do list :P

Today though Posy goes on a nice long trip with the orchestra to the beach. CiCi works and then tomorrow has Prom (because they did not get to go together last year). I am hoping my cuz will come for a visit and I have a LOAD of cleaning and painting to do.

Suppose I'd better get at it eh?

I am grateful for-
1- a very nice Mother's day **CENSORED**
2- my yard
3- work- mine and others (knock wood :B)
4- we are all ok (knock wood!)
5- my dentist and his lovely family :))))


QZ

It's been a week.
Not a pretty week for sure. It's always something 'they' say. 'They' are right .
I suppose the subtitle could be "Vanity sends a timely reminder".
I got a terrible cold last week. Instead of staying in bed I did what Moms usually do and ignored it. With more hand washing of course.
Which led to getting much sicker in this case. Usually colds or flu- whatever- are intimidated by the Mom machine and back off leaving a little red nose and chap lip behind as a gift.
Not in this case.
This time it suck up from behind and walloped me in the knees.
It added the joy of yet another sinus infection with the side attraction of refusing to let said sinuses drain. So while the rest of me slowly got better the sinuses kept up the fun factory in their own little biosphere.
This -though it would seem to be- is not the 'not pretty' part.
That came along when at some point when I was either trying to go to bed- or perhaps trying to get up, details escape me- and I managed to whack myself in the eye but good. A day or two later when I was *removing* my contact I notices a huge smear of bright red across my eyeball. I do not handle the sight of my own blood well. Once I managed to keep from passing out I had to roll my eye like a madwoman to actually see the smudge- mind you I had to do this very very close to the mirror as without my contacts I am very blind.
Yech. Yikes! Bleck.
Wait.
How did I miss this when I put the contact *in*? You do look AT your eye when you do that. In my case-again- from very very close.
Hmmm. Mayhaps I am not as recovered as I'd hoped.
Sure enough- down I went.
I blame it on the sinuses. I lie on one side trying to sleep in those moments when 'it' has not yet filled up one side yet has sludged it's way away from the other side enough for the pressure to ease.Ten minutes later I wake up in pain and flip over to the other side. Repeat. Swear. repeat.
This does not make for a rapid recovery apparently. Being Mom I am unfamiliar with the way of collapse.
Suck it up you wimp!
Yeah. Ok. I do.
I drug myself until the medicine coffers (pun intended) are empty and resort to quaffing whatever otc pain stuff I can find every few hours. Woo hoo! Kidney transplant here I come!
Cannot bear the weight of my glasses on my sinuses so spend much of the time holding them in one hand while holding face in other with other and wondering if pulling all the teeth on the infected side would stop any of the pain. Sinus pain I can handle- it is when it sets off the tooth pain- which is what it DOES that I start to get frantic. If removing those teeth would stop the teeth pain I might well do it.
Except of course for my idiotic panic that keeps me from my very very nice dentist and his super nice family who all work with him.
*sigh*
Vanity rears it's ugly head (take THAT Vanity!) along about Saturday.We are going out to **CENSORED** to dye eggs and of course meet up with kidlet #1 who has returned from nearly 10 days in Death Valley. We stop at a store on the way and I take kidlet #2 in with me to translate the world that I see into the world that I need to see. Which means that we wander up and down several isles while I try to remember what the *%&%* is in the same isle as nail polish remover so we can get a bottle.
We do finally find it and while I am standing there waiting for **CENSORED** to check out the enormous green rectangle across from the register starts to ring a wee bell in my brain- heyyyy Starbucks! **CENSORED** waiting for her to ring up the last item so he can pay. I drag kidlet over and order my coffee (coffee of the day-Venti with 2 inches of ice and room for cream- yeah cheap date) and by the time I have it- non fat milk nutmeg and sweetnlow stirred and straw in- my dad is done.
Does this mean the checker was slow- the Barista fast or me far too familiar with this whole coffee process?
I think for awhile about the last time I went out in public without contacts or glasses.
17 years ago. Kidlet #1 was about 2 and I was out of cigs (still smoked then). I set out for the store but did not want to wear my admittedly ugly glasses. They did not fit well and they were ugly when I got them and I was vain as the day was long about it. I was all of 20 though so some stupidity and vanity is understandable.
I set out with her and almost walked smack into traffic with her because I could not SEE.
I have written about this before s the words echo in my brain- but the stupidity still amazes me anew every time. There are lots of those near death events in life- when you fell and nearly hit the corner of the table- when you slide and nearly snap your neck- car accidents etc. That was however, the first time I almost took someone else with me.
Most of my Vanity died right there and then- hit by the car that did not hit us- by millimeters. I can still feel the whoosh of the air.
Which makes me appreciate anew the cocoon we were in the other day. I was with my **CENSORED**who presumably would have said something before I walked in front of the car and my daughter who would have grabbed my arm and later we were at **CENSORED** where I knew the house and the arrangement of the furniture and did not have to try and avoid killing myself by walking off something tall or into something deep. I could even enjoy the clear view through my camera- the irony being the clarity in half size from something I could not hold too close to my face as the view then became too fuzzy to see.
Wore contacts yesterday for the trip to Gmas. I should probably have waited another day but so far it's ok. I won't wear them again until I go to work later. Hopefully I will have some good sleep if I can scrape up enough cold medicine to knock myself out :B
Just appreciating the near human feelingness of the slow but YAY sure recovery. With any real luck going to work will not make me relapse again as I am out of leave now :P
We had a wonderful Easter. Time well spent with much of the family. Wonderful dinner with the**CENSORED** and some nice loopy egg dyeing went on involving some wax some giggling and some wire bent around spoons....
Also bliss for the dog. He got many a treat from the **CENSORED** who feeds him a tidbit every time he sits nicely and wiggles his fluffy ears at him (yeah it is THAT cute) and he got to run all over the yard and play with the other dogs. Did I mention the treats?
I am thankful for-
1- my family- not all of us are wonderful but the ones who are -are.
2- my friends- quite a few of whom I got to see this last weekend at a big dolly show
3- modern medicines- even otc are something better then mud packs and leeches :B
4- my kids- home again jiggety jig
5-Spring Break- of only it could have been longer :)
QZ

Happy New Year!

We started off the year with a bang and a whimper :) I have a very very bad sinus infection and Posy has quite the cold so we are a joy be around :B

Let's see, Thanksgiving was very nice. I had to work so the girls went to my Gma's with my**CENSORED** and had a wonderful dinner and time with the extended family. Then the next day CiCi went to the beach with some friends for the weekend and Posy and I had a nice dinner out at **CENSORED**.


Posy played at the museum again this year, her first solo performance there. We'd planned on going to the school craft bazaar but they were on the same day so our sewing and crafts were saved for Christmas presents instead.
http://www.picturetrail.com/gallery/view?p=999&gid=5947873&uid=2915307

CiCi's boyfriend came home for a visit from boot camp

and spend most of the next two weeks with us. He went back Sunday in the wee hours of the morning. It was very nice to have him back home for awhile :)

The girls enjoyed their vacation from school, though CiCi worked and Posy is still on vacation albeit with a cold. She goes back tomorrow (knock wood!).

We spent Christmas out at **CENSORED**
**CENSORED**
**CENSORED** smaller then Pixie and in just under two weeks is already bigger! **CENSORED** is going to be quite the **CENSORED** and has adorable monster feet :B
Here**CENSORED** and Pixie model their new Christmas presents-matching fishy coats . **CENSORED** has a matching ruff but was going nowhere near the camera!
**CENSORED**
This is the first year that I did not have to work over the holidays so it was very cool to not have to worry about getting to and from work . I'd hoped for some sleep but the sinus infection was in full swing by then so for the next week I slept very very little and spent entirely too much time wishing the pain would stop long enough to sleep at least some.
We were able to see my cousin and her fiancé and of course my Gparents. My Aunt and Uncle again flaked out. The only thing I have heard from them in the last year or so is when my Uncle sent me a change of email addy email. Woo.Hoo. Sooo glad to be on that list.
So,
New year's eve was a lot of fun too. Again had the night off for the first time in many years. I managed to nap a couple hours and felt nearly human. Lit off the fireworks and had munchies and watched movies.
Then the next day came home and cleaned and took down the tree and collapsed. Pain pain pain, called the Dr again- and got some decongestants that WORK and- bonus- I am not allergic to! :B
**CENSORED**

Santa was of course very very good to us :B Santa brought the computer and dsl and a very warm fuzzy coat many HK items Movies a sewing machine for Cici shoes socks and the list goes on and one. We have such generous friends and family :}}}

I'd planned on saying ever so much more, but as always I have run out of time before subject matter!
More pics in the **CENSORED**

Georgie in her new office.
We hope your New Year is filled with health happiness and fun!
QZ :)

I am grateful for-
1- antibiotics
2- my Dr's
3-my friends and family
4- a terrific holiday season
5- pets :)

Ohhhh let's see.
Halloween was terrific!
http://www.europa.com/~qzanny/halloween04/halloween04.html
The leaves have been stunning- I need to get out in the daylight and take some pics.
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd- the big news!!!
Santa came early!!!!
He felt pretty sorry for me- stress from work killing me and life in general being well, life in general.
That and Santa is very very verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry generous :B He loves me very much and says I am a *wonderful* girl :B
How generous you ask?
New computer generous! New FLAT screen generous.
New router AND DSL generous!
YIPEEEEEEEE!!!!!
AND our family Christmas present- from us to us is SIMS2 :B
We have all our computers hooked up to the internet and to each other.
We never *need* leave home again :D

As you can imagine- my stress levels have seeped away.
:D:D:D
Thank you thank you thank you Santa- and your wonderful elves :)
Yes- I AM completely addicted to Sims, mainly the buoilding. I made a house so grand and filled with so many terrific things that I can hardly move- takes a full 3 min to save it :B
Woohoo!
*ahem* sorry- got ehhh distracted :B
So- hi ho hi ho- it's off to work I go- to cme home to sleep to family stuff and to SIMS!
On my new computer from Santa :))))
QZ the happy :)

There I was- minding my own buisness...
as usual.
On my way home. I got off the bus and went to the bus stop right across
the street to give the eldest who was heading to college a
hug. Cross back and start over the driveway. Apparently step on a walnut
and go flying hand and knee first into the pavement with as much
momentum as I can muster.
Say bad word. Find self sitting on hiney behind parked car. Realize kid
os going to cross over and will miss bus, be late to class etc. Flip
hands and shrug shoulders ' Gee that was graceful' implied. Notice
copious blood on hand. Musnt pass out- then she WILL come over and,
well, will be passed out flat on back in parking lot- even more
graceful.
Want to pass out, very very much. Just lay down and take a short nap
until I can make it go away.
Kid looking more concerned. Flap hands again. Can't quite bend hand into
'ok' sign. Also can't get up.
Hmmm.
Notice maintenance guy is suddenly nowhere around. Good or bad?
Kid's bus comes. She is peering at me through bus window. Last I see she
is leaning over staring. Wave hand limply- attempt smile- more of a
twitch.
Sit for another 15 minutes feeling COMPLETELY stupid.' Hi. Why yes I AM
sitting on the ground behind a parked car with my stuff spread out all
over.'.
Eventually I was able to roll over onto my beat up knee and throw myself
up onto my once nearly reversed ankle and hobble on home. I did have to
send the younger back out to get my cell phone. It decided to abandon
ship sometime during the crash and came away with some nice deep
scratches.
SO- luckily (!!!) I had a ride to the all day training class being
held across the mall from the bus center. I impressed my co workers by
working up a heavy sweat just walking from the car to the bench with my
bandaged hand and wrapped swollen ankle.
Then all day we talked about the people we work with- the things they go
through, our responses and interventions and we all walked away with a
sense of being grateful we do not have those obstacles ourselves (knock
wood).
Yeah I'll take my graceful flop in the parking lot over roomates I did
not choose who may whallop me at any time. Or life without the use of my
hands or voice . Or a million other things we went over today.
Meanwhile though typing is very painful- this lovely letter has taken
me nearly 30 min with breaks to blow on my palm and say bad words in my
head :B
So I am off to bed to sulk in privacy- er I mean recover in privacy :B
Hope everyone is doing well :)

I am grateful-
1- I did not break anything
2- or land on anyone
3- I did it at home instead of on my way to work or in the street
4- I got so many kind wishes and thoughts from friends
5- for my snuggle woofies

QZ :B

**CENSORED**
Copy & paste this HTML code onto your site and let everyone know!



I'm Hello Kitty Water Fairy! made by: Jen


I am grateful for-
1- my friends- I have some of the worlds BEST friends and I don;t know what I would do without them
2- I had so many nice years at work
3- Pixie and the girls
4- camping!
5- we are all ok-( knock wood!)

QZ :}

Hello :)
yes indeed it has been awhile. A few things have happened.
The worst was that I scratched my eye and ended up unable to see well for several weeks.
Which made it nearly impossible to do any detail work like writing reading and pics :P

Luckily (knock wood) it is better now so I am trying to catch up :)
CiCi graduated- Yayyy!!! See the pics below.
Posy's graduated form 6th grade, which is terrific but sad too as it was her last year at her wonderful
grade school.
We had a very nice Father's day at a BBQ at my Gparents. Now we are swinging into Summer and I am
slowly getting things back to usual.
Yes it is short- hope the pics make up for it :B
QZ
I am grateful for-
1-CiCigraduated!
2-Posy graduated
3- Many years at a terrific neighborhood school
4- my eyes are better (knock wood)
5- Woofies Woofies Pixie Dust

http://www.europa.com/~qzanny/cicigrad/cicigrad.html
(Warning- shameless Doggie Adoration ahead)
**CENSORED**

Happy Mothers day!
Here are some pics :B
The first one is the final version and the others are the outtakes- plus it is Prom night so a pic of CiCi and her friend (bf still out of town).
I am grateful for-
1- her stunning prom gown
2- getting at least half my to do list
3- this woman hosting emhe is not the usual host (she is extremely annoying!)
4-I found some flowers for my Gma (ours bloomed a month early!)
5- it's only Sat night :)))
QZ

This too shall pass....
boy oh boy are my finances a MESS! Such enormous stress :P
Let's see- Cuz doing marginally better. Her (long ago) divorced parents and step mom fight in her room- gee wish I could join in- not.
Gma getting better slowly. She needs to get out and about more.
**CENSORED**
Cici graduates soon- unless I keeeell her- no wait- she WILL graduate- the keeeelling will start AFTER that diploma is in her hand.
Prom this weekend.
Mother's day this weekend.
Concerts more concerts art stuff science stuff school stuff stuff stuff stuff -my head is spinning.
Concert starts at *7* we have to get there at *5:30* for 'tuning'. So half hour min to get there- an hour and half to wait and hour to hour and a half for the concert then another half hour min to get home. ALL THAT for her to play a grand total of 5 min. *4* hours (or MORE). Sooooooo glad I don;t have small children who might have to go to BED or maybe have DINNER or sit still for *4* hours.
Oh I am all for concerts- but this having to be there an hour and a half before is insane.
Yeah I am a tad cranky.
It's the finances pinching my humor :P
Ok- on to a better note- http://notwithoutmyhandbag.com/babynames/index.html
I have been perusing this site as I have time- laughing entirely too much so thought I would share. Starts off a smidge slow but gets better. I think I am on page 7 so far and it's the fave.
Best Quote (that I can put here anyway)-
"It is pronounced just like it sounds." If it weren't Dadaism would have a new leader. "
Reminiscent of Aimee's freak letters :B
I am grateful for-
1- time with friends
2- time with family
3- my kids
4- Spring
5- my pets

Hmm- sometimes the standards are the best aren't they? :)
Better mood now,....
QZ

Hello,
well my cuz is hanging in there.
We spent the weekend with Gma who just had knee surgery. She's doing much better. I did a partial spring cleaning to catch her up and CiCi did the vacuuming and mopping
:) Posy helped with laundry and fetch and carry so we were all very busy!
Most of the weekend is a blur- I am ready for another one :)
The only bummer note- I did not get to see any of my doll friends who were nearby for a doll show :(
Here is a pic from Gmas and a pic from a field trip to OMSI (Oregon museum of Science and Industry) with Posys class :)



I am grateful for-
1- getting so much done
2- my cuz hangs in there
3- my Gma is healing well (knock wood)
4- it was a lovely place to spend the weekend
5- I got to go through old family pics and find out who all those dear faces were :)
QZ

Yup yup yup- I am gong to bore you with yet MORE pics!
:B**CENSORED**

Well,... look at that face! Could you resist?
QZ- proud Mom :D
**CENSORED**

I swear I can't keep track anymore.
Let's see. My cous is apparently doing better. Still out of it. My Aunty is cracking and the rest of us may have to kill her soon. My gma made it through her surgery and is in a crappy rehabilitation/nursing home that on the plus side is close to her home and has some lovely flowers. She is finally getting therapy so hopefully she will soon be out and home again. My older daughter and I can take turns taking care of her- tho rumor is my Aunt thinks she is moving in with her. My Aunt needs strong meds. I love her but she has some SERIOUS self help to do before she qualifies to take care of others! Right now she is guiltng my Gma into giving her wads of cash 'for food at the hospital'. Shah- pack a lunch like the rest of us!
aNYWAY- yeah I am a bit irritated. She is telling my Gma the rest iof us should be taking care of her- like we have the medical skills and therapy equiptment. She is not IN a nursing home- she is in the therapy section and it is very very short term- and you can bet your booties that if it were long term it would not be dear Aunty who would be taking care of her.
*sigh* Sometimes family sucks.
Speaking of- Easter was nice :) We went out to my parents and took little guy who had a BLAST running around thier acerage- especially when he got to play wih one of my Moms Border Collies- yeeehaw- doggie heaven! :B:B
Pics soon :)
Well, I suppose that is it for now- again I am busy.
I am grateful for-
1- my Gma is ok
2- my cuz is ok
3- a sunny Easter weekend
4- getting to visit Gma
5- Pixie getting to rn and play :))
QZ

Well she is hanging in there. They took a plug out of her heart for meds and did other stuff and so far so good. She is marginally better. Still sedated.
Now My gma is in having her knee worked on- same hospital. I want to send them a case of sanitizer and big signs- PLEASE USE OFTEN!! I know- overuse blah blah- but IN the hospital...
Neighbors drving me crazy again- big suprise. We got creative with the garden and created a barrier of plants and borders and wee fences and an arch- knock wood it works .
too bus- more when I can.
I am grateful for-
1- my cous hanging in
2- Gma so far so good (knock wood)
3- loevly lovely weather all weekend
4- getting so much yard work done
5- muscle relaxants - woohoo!
QZ :I

Well,
tomorrow my cousin goes in for heart surgery. I was told her kidneys are shut down and she may need dialysis and her bladder is not functioning right- but then everything I hear os second or third hand.She has a staph infection in her bloodstream. They do not expect her to make it through the surgery.
With the laws they way they are now in Oregon, you have to say yes to give out info instead of having to say no don;t give it out- so calling won;t do me diddley as I am pretty sure she was in no shape to specify when she checked in.
In some ways it has been waiting in the wings to happen for years and yet it all seems so fast- it is just surreal.I am torn in an oddly guilt wracking way. I want to go see her- yet I also want to stick my fingers in my ears and sing 'lalalallalalalalalalala I can't hear you!'. They don;t know for sure where the staph infection that is doing the most damage came from- tho they have proclaimed that since it is in her blood it is not contagious- yet I don;t fully beleive it. Staph is scary stuff. Not only am I a high risk but all the people I work with and so many of my friends and relatives- my presence will make not one whit of difference to anyone but my conscience and maybe my Aunt- but I care not to salve the heart of the person most responsible for her condition (her Mother) tho I love them both. *sigh*
I will NOT cry.
She is older then me by a year making her a whopping 38. She has always been in my memory.I am much closer to my other cousin now- also a year older, but this cousin was the closest thing I had to a sister. We lived with each other several times in our teens- including a big old we thought haunted house, We went through so very very much. She introduced me to my ex husband through her then boyfriend who was one of his best friends, so indrectly she also gave me my first greatest gift- my older daughter. Our history was passionate and tragic and always always *there*. We were close and then we'd drift and then we'd be close. At the family gatherings even when we were angry with each other we shared the nod of commiseration- tho it be through slitted eyes and frowning mouths.I was there for some of the more devestating events, and some of the most uplifting. I could never convince her that she was worth more.
Especially once drugs got ahold of her. I struggled a long time, until she started to pull me down into the tar and mire. It took me a long time to rid myself of the slick feel of that filth, I can still smell it, feel its oily grit. Mixed in with those memories are te memories of her long long always painted nails, nails I envied so because I had stated to chew mine. Her glossy thick hair , her self confidence in crowds , her year round tan and her once chubby and now svelt body. She joked that we traded- I had been a skinny kid and she chubby. I told her I wanted my body back.
Yes this all sounds past tense- premature. Yet it feels so. It feels as if I lost her years ago. The last time I loved her wholheartedly- fully and giddlily as I had when we'd get together at school vacations at Gmas and whisper and giggle about whatever trouble we were going to get into- hidden kittens- candy at the corner store- dress up and plays put on for the adults-
was when she had her last child.
I went over after she brought her home to cook and clean . She had two wee boys at home too.After scrubbing and feeding them and bathign them and setting up as much as I could to make things easier I decided to tackle the bedroom. She and the three kids and her husband were all sleeping in the living room. They had not had a chance to set up the bedroom with him working and her preggers and taking care of the boys.
Well I went in saying that she really needed to at least put the boys in there- to get some peace and some time with them not right on top of her- to let the baby sleep some- they could play with thier toys and sleep and-
then I found drug paraphenelia - sitting on top of a dresser. I was so furious- for risking her self her kids my daughter. She SWORE it was not hers- she was clean, but I knew, I knew she wasn't.I took my precious daughter and stormed out. We were never close again.

Oh she brought the boys to a Halloween party- just showed up one year.Her hubby took the boys out trick or treating until he had to carry them. I made my ex fiance go get her on the side of the road one time when she called after her husband had beat her up. I promised to help her find shelter and help- but she went back to him and I told her I could not help her anymore- and gave her lists of people to call.
I saw her a couple times every year at Gmas. Every time she looked older and older- more then she should have. Her beauty slipped away and an old woman replaced it. Sometimes she was high and eventually she lost custody of her kids. She was never able to fully get herself together enough to win back permenant custody. Sometimes she did not try. Eventually she got on some kid of medication that my Gma said seemed to really help. Everyone by then could see that she was mentally ill.Some still denied but ... The last time I saw her was at Chrsitmas. We were tense and prickly. I was mad that her daughter was not able to come because she was there. Her daughter is not allowed to be around her- and rightly so. She knew why I was mad but we could not talk about it. She brought the lastest in a long stream of boyfriends. Apparently finding acceptence- which is good- but for the wrong reasons and at the cost of her children.
She talked low and so fast that no one could understand her. She had taken to using her high school nickname. Some had no patience for it, but I thought maybe she needed it as a fresh start, maybe it would give her back some of the hope and incentive she had then, maybe.
Now she lays dying a few miles from me.
I want to go see her and tell her I love her and I will miss her- as I have missed who she was for years.
I want to give her bunnies and chocolates and flowers and tell her I will not let her children forget her. I have long told her daughter some of the wonderful things about when she was young and full of possibilities. I want to hold her hand and paint her nails and tease her about our old rock em sock em knock down drag out fights.
-but I can't. I have always done one thing she was never able to do- put our children first. I cannot risk all the consequences of carryiing back this horrible thing that is killing her. Not to myself or my children or my freinds or the rest of my family. But it feels cheap and cowardly and I feel so small beause I am letting her down. Though she may not know it- she is apparently delerious now, I will know. My Aunt and Gma will be angry and damnit I will be too. Those who are most at fault are not capable of comprehending why. It is a futile frustrating quandry. I will be ther for her daughter- we don;t even know where the boys are- another foster home. I will give her daughter more mothering part time then she ever gave as her mother, but she will not know.I want to ease her mind but I am afraid it is not worried over this. My comfort will mean little or nothing for her mind does not work the same ways as most mothers. So it is pointless . Still, still,...
This cousin of mine who never had a chance. A whole life futile. She had three children who hopefully will be able to have more be more then the parents who had them. Soon they will be orphans, thier father is dying too- a slower more stigmatzed death.
So I will sit here with my guilt and keep making the plans I have been making for several years to be a presence in her daughters life- especially as she grows older and loses the foster mothers support when she ages out. I will be 'Gma' to the babies I hope she will not have for a long time and cheer when she graduates and offer a prom dress and help move into her first apartment. The things I did with her mom.
-and I will wish things were different- that her mother was who she might have been, that she had made it out after all.
I will listen to my Aunt say terrible things because I am not going to see my cousin, and she will not forgive me and I cannot explain it to her as she is much to blame and forever in deniel.I will not risk the rest of us tho I would feel better and maybe just maybe my cousin would too. Becuase I need to be here for the next generation if I can.
It won;t feel good or even right. I don;t think there is a way to feel right. How can there be when my wonderful beautiful bright cousin is dying a horrible painful death. Not alone but nearly. Without *us*- she and I and our bond. The bond that withered away so long ago leaving only dry roots to twist and pull at our hearts.
I am so sorry :(((
QZ

Wow. What a long weekend!
We started it with a doll party at a friends house. A wonderful time was had by all :B
Then we spent Sat cleaning like the dickens before we went to pick up the cake and party favors. Sunday we got everything together - ok I use the term 'we' loosely here- *I* got things ready while the guest of honor stood around asking what I thought she should wear for her costume,... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh
*ahem*
Then *I* went and set stuff up-
alone
in the WIND
my phone was not working right so after a few sessions of "THE EXTENSION CORD- BRING THE EXTENSION CORD!!!! NO_ DON'T HANG UP I AM HERE- BRING THE &^&^&^$#@^&$@%"
I decided she could blanking well walk back and get it,...
Luckily **CENSORED** arrived soon after and eventually took the little one back for it.
After all the park guys went to all the trouble to turn the power on for us- at least we could have the music.
They ate and played games and talked about what idiots thier parents were. tho eventually the moved farther away to do it- maybe it had something to do with me *nicely* reminding them that though we adults were being polite we could indeed hear every word they were saying because after all, we were sitting all of 16 inches away,...
A good time seemed to be had by all- and they were all nice polite kids who were a pleasure to be forced to evesdrop on :B

Tina seems to be recovering nicely from Lucy's attack. She is back to spending most of her time nesting, but now it is in Emily's travel carrier and soon she will be going back to her own room. Poor little idiot :>
We have had almost disgustingly beautiful weather. Warm enough for the neighbors to already be driving me nuts. They have been walking on my flowers and taking Posy's ball and not returning it and of course screaming at each other (the kids). Plus we have had the added joy yesterday- of Barkley peeing all over our front garden. Isn;t that nice?
Anyway.
I am grateful for-
1- a terrific time with my dolly friends
2- really beautiful weather
3- the party went well
4- a day off! :)
5- we are all ok (knock wood!)
QZ :))